carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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