I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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