True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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