I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
