When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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