So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Even my vagina gasped.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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