wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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