The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
