pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
