when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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