I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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