Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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