I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
