just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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