meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
