I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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