I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
