you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
