The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
