remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
