careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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