I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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