Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
