just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
