Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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