this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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