Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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