I met the friendliest cop last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
