I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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