i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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