I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
