You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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