you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
