she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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