i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
