he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
