I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
