What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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