there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
