I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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