You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
