she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
