Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
