I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
