Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
