he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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