im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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