Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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