I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
