I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
